12:10am 04/02/2008
  You can rethink the past. You can reinvent yourself.  
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12:52am 03/01/2008
  Added to the long list of reasons why I hate winter is the sad inevitibility of the dry-skin-season. No matter how much lotion I slather onto my arms and legs, I still end up writhing, and digging myself like a dog with fleas.

It’s freezing out and of course, I sit around all day having hot-shower fantasies. The pitfall? The hotter and longer the shower (bliss) the more my skin pays for it later. Although, I’d rather suffer the consequences for my uber-hot showers than have a mediocre shower, however. I’m planning on running out to my mom and dad’s house tonight to do a little laundry, and will probably just take a shower and get ready for my night at their house. The water pressure is so low in their shower that I stand under the stream with goosebumps from head to toe. They are all used to it, and don’t think it’s that bad, but I end up feeling more like I’ve undergone Chinese water torture when I step out of their shower.

I swear, I’m living all winter in one of those Lubriderm commercials with the aligator. Dry, cracked skin? Affirmative.		  
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09:37pm 17/07/2006
  things I WILL accomplish by the age of 38

-I will save someone's life- physically or emotionally.
-I will develop a relationship with my mom beyond my animosity and false conversations
-I will make someone truly speechless.
-I will never use my driver's license unless it's an extreme necessity. I will rely on a bike (ha), public transportation, and carpooling.
-I will hold no grudges and try to not hold any animosity and hatred toward anybody (starting today).
-I will do daily affirmations every day of my life, in hopes of never forgetting who I am and that I should mean more to myself than any other person should mean to me.
-I will progressively work my way up to healthy veganism. No anemia, no massive weight-loss/gain- just a healthy lifestyle.
-I won't blame my woes on the world or fate but on myself. Full responsibility will be mine from now on.
-I will not place all my eggs in one basket for any one thing in life, from the simplest or heaviest of decisions or actions.
-...despite the last one, I will do all I can to not remain neutral on anything. I will educate myself the furthest I can on any given subject so that I can develop my own opinion and back it up despite the harshest of critics. There's no escape hatch when you're trapped up against a wall, so don't be cornered to begin with.
-I will control my insecurity and temper (though it's quite patient and not too readily set-off). I am realizing that there is no action someone could perform that should bring you low enough to question yourself or the world and take out that questioning in the form of some kind of bitterness or tears.
-I will document as much of my life as I can through photographs, journals, songs, drawings/paintings, anything. I want to look back and remember, not forget.
-I will go to France and talk dirty to a Frenchman with my not-so-sexy French voice, just to see the look on his face and then possibly be slapped in the face.
-I will go to Italy and eat gelato with the town folk.
-I will visit the following states: Texas, California, Tennessee, Florida, North Carolina, New Jersey, and West Virginia. Those which I have reasoning to visit and those which I do NOT have reasoning to visit will remain a secret.
-I will not wear make-up more than three times a week past the age of 19.
-I will remind someone of how much I care about them every day.
-I will not use fear as an excuse for anything.
-I will add to this as I see fit at the moment I come up with something new to add.		  
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Just keep telling yourself that everything happens for a reason   
06:13pm 22/05/2006
  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how random life is, and how one or two tiny decisions or chance encounters end up snowballing and boom!–five or ten years later you’ve developed this whole life based on coincidences.

I’m one of those people who like to toss around phrases like “whatever is meant to happen, will happen,” or “it will all work out how it is supposed to.” I don’t really believe those things anymore. I mean, yes, it will all “work out,” but who is to know if it will work out how it is supposed to? I think we believe in fate so that we don’t have to torture ourselves over the decisions we make.

This is all no doubt a healthy process, at least for people who aren’t completely masochistic. Things don’t happen for a reason… they just happen… and then you’re left with nothing but introspective-material and complaints for your blog. =P		  
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04:14pm 22/05/2006
  I blame House, M.D. for turning me into a complete hypochondriac. The most insignificant bump, bruise, or pain sends me into a swirl of worry over deeper problems. In fact, sometimes I get so worried that it just consumes my thoughts and I convince myself that I have some kind of serious ailment brewing inside. The good thing (if there is a positive side to being a complete mental-case) is that I really want to starting living a more healhty life. I want to eat right and be more physically active. I even want to start taking a daily multi-vitamin like a good girl.

I guess what really freaks me out is that I am 17 years old, and moving toward 30 quickly. I don’t necessarily perceive 30 as old, but it is definitely time for me to start being mindful of my health, so that I’m not fighting a losing battle when real, legitimate problems arise.

My mother would chime in now with: “You were always a sickly little girl.” That’s true as well, to a degree. I was sick pretty much constantly as a child. Some of it was serious, and remedied with surgery in first grade, but also, I always had a headache or felt sick to my stomach.

I think I need to stop watching House. That, or feel compelled to check myself internally for disease-carrying ticks every time I have the flu.		  
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The love that said forever, forever and then runs you over like a truck?   
05:47pm 29/04/2006
  Whether consciously, or unconsciously, it seems like men can sense and are tempted to pounce upon women they perceive as being in a vulnerable position. I’m thinking of getting t-shirts printed that say: “I”m well aware of what ‘I’m here if you ever want to talk’ really means.”

That’s probably lumping a lot of sincere guys in with the insincere, but hey… I never said that I wasn’t completely jaded and unabashedly bitter. ;-)

You always see men and women making lists of qualities that they are looking for in a guy/girl, and until just very recently I always thought it was just some silly plot convention overused in Hollywood. I’ve started to rethink my aversion to such lists. I mean, having a real checklist might at least help my organize my thoughts.

This is what I have so far:

1. Can express himself well verbally.

2. Can change a tire.

3. Can change a tire without blowing a gasket.

4. Knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

5. Understands that life is what you MAKE of it.

6. Can cope with the highs and lows of life.

7. Is down to earth and non-judgmental.

8. Likes and is not allergic to Mr. Finnagon (my puppy).

9. The only princess he wants to save is me.

10. Is EXTREMELY quick-witted (mouthy).		  
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It’s a slippery slope, but someone’s got to ski it   
05:39pm 29/04/2006
  I’ve been getting a lot of advice from well-intentioned friends and family since I broke up with my boyfriend. Most of this advice is the soothing type, for instance: “Just take your time,” or “There’s no rush right now, you need to find yourself.” Of course there is also the advice from probably one of my oldest friends which was: “BEWARE THE SLIPPERY SLOPE.” I paraphrase, but you catch my avalanche.

I think it’s so easy for people who are married or in serious relationships to just placate me with reminders that I’ll find someone when the time is right. I don’t blame them, I mean, I’m completely positive that I would offer the same pearls of wisdom myself. But, honestly, there’s a kind of mania that comes along with being single I think, and it causes everything about life to seem completely jacked up and chock full o’ drama.

I feel like when I broke up with Pat, these cords (as deteriorated as they were) between us were severed, and now they are just sort of flapping in the wind there trying to find someone to reattach to. Yeah, that’s right guys, I’m looking to ATTACH MYSELF TO YOU and suck the life out of you like some kind of leech. Run! Save yourselves! (See what I mean about the drama?)

I’m also on the constant search for some kind of fix. I feel as if I have a visible, gaping hole going right through the heart of me and my daily activities are focused around trying to find the right filler. Usually I go for chocolate chip cookie dough and yet another viewing of Gilmore Girls (counterproductive). But, I’ve felt the urge to shop, to roadtrip, to get a piercing/tattoo, to go on a water-diet, to go on a potato-chip-diet, to join a gym, to visit a tanning bed, to have my teeth whitened. I mean, on and on. Notice that I still seek fixes that really won’t harm my physical/emotional health? Yeah… While I have some desire to be spontaneous, I’m still an uptight little girl under it all.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion. There is only contradiction, change, growth, and CONFUSION. While this is perhaps one of the most uncertain and scary periods in my life so far, I’m grateful to be alive and to be able to experience the sensation (good + bad) of it all.		  
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08:15am 01/04/2006
  Image hosting by Photobucket

Just some general rules:

[1] If I friend you, please comment on my entries. I like to know who reads my posts.
[2] Be nice. Don't post mean comments on my posts or the comments of others who have posted.
[3] Please make sure you have something in common with me before you ask to be friended. I like to talk to people who share the same interests.
[4] I am a bitch. I'm not nice sometimes, and if you don't like what I rant about in my journal, then don't read it.
[5] Please, please, spell things properly if you comment on something I post. It's just easier to read, and less likely to make me annoyed.

=> comment
=> add me
=> be added

see? easy as pie (ewwww.. pie). ^^;		  
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follyofophellia
 
 

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